So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
