I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
