We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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