Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
