If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
