I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
