for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
