All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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