Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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