Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
