i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
