Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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