that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
