Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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