we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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