the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
