my phone needs a breathalizer
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
