Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
