Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
