Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
