I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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