My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
