My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
