she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
