I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
