people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
