Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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