I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
