I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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