Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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