Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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