my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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