the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
