i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
