Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
