I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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