Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
