To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize