I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
