I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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