I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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