i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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