I must be too annoying 4 u.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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