Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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