Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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