Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
