I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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