I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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