I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
