I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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