It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
