My balls are so social today.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
