You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
