btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
