I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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