I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
