Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
