Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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