We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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