You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
